1. By now you are all aware of the great victory that Zionism won in Iowa. Ron Paul, the only person there worth not kicking in the balls, received, so we are told, 21% of the vote. This means that in Iowa, a Bible-butt-plug state, almost 80% of its so-called conservatives who voted are stupid Fox-News-watching war-mongering Zionist-Bullshit-born-and-raised assholes. This is assuming that the results are not in and of themselves a pile of steaming Zionist Bullshit.
Well, the nagging and bitching tuyuur here at Mantiq al-Tayr felt that shitting-on is believing and they held their own conference of the birds (despite my arresting some of them and plucking their feathers) and demanded that we here at Mantiq al-Tayr host an “American Winter” Conference where we would question the Republicans on some issues that deeply affect the average American trying to survive the onslaught of the Federal Reserve, the Rothchilds, AIPAC and bad patriot radio.
So was born the “Idaho Caucus”. Yes, the (sad) state of Idaho is now the location of the most important of all primaries. On the eve of the Idaho Caucus, which takes place on the 33rd of January, we here at Mantiq al-Tayr hosted all of the Republican candidates not in the cross-hairs of the Mossad and we even had a couple of recent drop outs drop in as well. The major voting on January 33 will be in Idaho’s capital city, Bumfuck, a city which whose mayor, Marcus Glennius, is struggling to keep above water.
The vote will be held in Bumfuck’s largest town hall, the Hatikvah Dome, in downtown Bumfuck at the corner of Deir and Yassin streets named in memory of the Holocaust.
The candidates came into Bumfuck last night by broom and we held our interviews with them in the Bumfuck Auditorium and Recreational Center downtown between the US Army recruiting center and the local crack house.
The candidates who spoke with us were, in alphabetical order:
We didn’t invite Ron Paul because, well, it’ll be obvious pretty soon.
Anyway, here’s how the interview, led by yours truly, went down:
(Note to Shas Party members, this is satire. Red highlights are not only mine, but they are the only actual quotes.)
MT: Mr. Santorum, let’s begin with you. Lots of older voters voted for you in Iowa yet you favor cuts in social security by raising the retirement age to something like 105 and for turning part of the system over to a bunch of crooks in the private sector. Once people in their late 50’s and early 60’s figure this out, do you think you have a Herman Cain’s chance in a NOW convention of getting elected?
Santorum – Right now the single most important thing this country can do is put aside more money for Israel. My program will allow us to give Israel three or four times as much each year for the development of its military and to consolidate the emerging Israeli cities in Judea and Samaria. As you know “All the people who live in the West Bank are Israelis. There are no Palestinians. This is Israeli land.”
MT: Mr. Gingrich, perhaps you could answer the question about social security. What is the future of this fund that so many Americans have paid so much into?
Gingrich: Rick Santorum is a traitor to the state of Israel. My program will allow us to directly transfer social security taxes to holocaust survivors in Israel while allowing us to give Israel 5 to 6 times the current aid Israel officially gets from the United States. “The Palestinian claim to a right of return is based on a historically false story,” “These people are terrorists. They teach terrorism in their schools.” I say fuck’em.
MT: Ah, Mr. Cain, we weren’t expecting you to show up for this. Since you are here, perhaps you could address the question of the future of social security.
Cain: Social security, that’s uh, that’s uh, well it has social in it so that must mean its socialistic or something. I’ll get back to you once my biographers tell me what to say. “I think that the so-called Palestinian people have this urge for unilateral recognition because they see this president as weak.” I say let’s just clean out the whole area and if a bunch of these so-called Palestinians die, well that’s just tough shit. Oh, and my program to wipe out social security completely now and forever will allow us to give Israel each year 10 times what it is getting now. By the way, I really like Jewish pussy.
MT: Ms. Bachmann, perhaps you could bring some sanity to this discussion, but I digress. Anyway, please let our aging population know how a Bachmann administration would swallow, handle, the social security issue.
Bachmann: My plan is to simultaneously move the US embassy to Jerusalem and transfer the entire social security trust fund to the Jewish Agency my first day in office. If a bunch of old-fart anti-semites don’t like it, well we’ll just have the military arrest them as terrorists and toss their asses into Gitmo for ever. Hahahahahaha. God, I’m funny. I am the only candidate here who really is an Israeli. I’ve worked on a kibbutz. When I was there “We worked on the kibbutz from 4 am to noon. We were always accompanied by soldiers with machine guns. While we were working, the soldiers were walking around looking for land mines. I really learned a lot in Israel.” “I am a Christian, but I consider my heritage Jewish, because it is the foundation, the roots of my faith as a Christian.” See, my heritage is Jewish, which means I am Jewish pussy. Keep your hands off of me Herman, you schvartse. Jesus fucking Christ, the last thing we need is another dumb schvartse in the White House. See, I really am Jewish. Anyway, under my plan, the US could give Israel 20 to 30 times what it is giving now. Oh, did I mention that I am the only candidate who made an entire video dedicated to Israel, you can go here to see it on youtube.
MT: Mr. Gingrich, uh, what is it you are listening to right now on your Ipod? I need you to talk about social security and other issues of critical importance to the average American.
Gingrich: I’m listening to this incredible broadcast about me damn near getting arrested by the FBI back in the 90’s for a huge bribe scheme involving a bunch of Israelis and pro-Israeli Jews. It’s by Mike Piper, never heard of the guy, but man he has basically proven my devotion to the state of Israel – unlike all these anti-semitic candidates you’ve gathered here. Look, social security has the half-life of one of my marriages. Forget it you bunch of pathetic losers. No one gives a rat’s ass about your stupid little social security checks. What you all need to do is support my program to wipe out the Palestinians – not that they even exist – but I digress. Let me finish listening to this thing. You know, you should make his website your featured website on your next post.
MT: Mr. Romney, you are immensely wealthy to a degree that is obscene really. How do you feel about helping out little old ladies living on social security?
Romney: First of all Israel is our only ally in the Middle East and I need to correct the anti-semitic statements of my colleagues here. ” I will travel to Israel on my first foreign trip. I will reaffirm as a vital national interest Israel’s existence as a Jewish state. I want the world to know that the bonds between Israel and the United States are unshakable.” And as soon as I get to Israel I will get on my knees on the tarmac and give Netanyahu a blow job. Furthermore, I will pay not just to move the US embassy to Jerusalem, but I’ll also move the goddamn US Congress there too, this will cut down on the need for all those congressional trips to Israel. And I’ve decided to give all of my wealth to the Jewish National Fund and I will probably have Camp David moved into Kiryat Arba. In my first Defense Authorization Act, I will see to it that Israel gets 40 times as much money from the US as it does now and I’ll have anyone who objects to this treated as a terrorist, arrested by the military and sent to Gitmo forever. Now what was your question?
MT: Mr. Perry, any comments on the future of social security? Can any of you mother fuckers even spell social security?
Perry: First of all, I have already given Netanyahu a blow job. Second “I consider the Israeli settlements to be legal, from my perspective, and I support them.” In fact, I think they should build even more settlement’s, after all “it’s their land.” When I become president “Strategic defensive aid, strategic aid in all forms, will increase to Israel,” because Israel will be “the cornerstone of my larger global strategy.” I mean, who gives a fuck about the United States being a cornerstone of US policy? You’d have to be fucking nuts. Israel yesterday, today and forever. Jesus loves you and he wants you to kill the Palestinians, the Iranians, in fact, pretty much everybody. Praise Jesus. Oh, and I’ll see to it that Israel gets 666 times the money it presently gets from the American taxpayers.
MT: Mr. Santorum, back in the 1960’s manufacturing accounted for 25% of the GDP in these United States. Today, manufacturing is about 10% of US GDP. What can you do to re-invigorate this once vital sector of the US economy which provided good jobs for average Americans?
Santorum: Well, look at it like this. Iran is Israel’s enemy, therefore Iran is our number one enemy and we need to put an end to Iranian hegemony in, well, in Iran to start with. You know those Shi’ites have nukes up to their assholes, so I say we start a great big fucking war with Iran. This will put Americans back to work and will probably also kill quite a few of these useless eaters off. I have a long history of advocating wars for Israel – you can see this 2006 interview where I basically just made up everything I said out of thin air and you can see me foaming at the mouth during this very recent interview where I note that Israel is setting the standard for what the US should be doing in Iran in terms of perpetrating acts of international terrorism. And, speaking of Mike Piper, Gingrich is full of shit when he says that Piper shows that Gingrich is the ideal bitch for Israel. Right here in this latest podcast of Piper’s he shows that I am da bitch when it comes to bending over forward and backward for Israel. And yeah, you need to feature his website.
MT: Okay, one last question and since all you people care about is Israel, I’ll ask about that. How many more people must die for the state of Israel? Let’s start with you Herman.
Cain: It’s not about dying, just like General Eisenhower said. Hmmmm, I think it was Eisenhower, you know, the guy who they made that movie about. Anyway, maybe it was General Marshal, or Custer, can’t remember. Oh Lee, that’s who it was. Anyway, it’s not about dying for our country Israel, it’s about killing for Israel. Let’s bring on that shit!
MT: Mr. Perry, you’ve been pretty silent. How many more people must die for Israel?
Perry: Not sure, but why even ask? Anyone who dies fighting for Israel goes straight to heaven so I say let’s send all of our poor people over to Iraq, Iran, Libya, Yemen, Somalia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Syria and England to achieve martyrdom. Then we won’t have to pay them shit. No social security, no nothing. And if we give a few pieces of tin as medals to some of them, they’ll be willing to die some more. Fuck, and you people think I’m a stupid son of bitch! I am, of course, but you fuckers vote for me and people like me, you get what you deserve.
Romney: Yeah, fuck the queen, I’ve never liked that royalty shit.
MT: Maybe we can talk later, but I digress.
MT: Well goys and girls that wraps it up here in Bumfuck, Idaho. We’re fucked and I am signing off. If we are lucky, the Mayans were right.
And it was then that I awoke in a cold sweat. All the tuyuur here at Mantiq al-Tayr were quite relieved. “It was just a nightmare,” they told me, “calm down, have some Israeli hummus.”
It was a nightmare. And it is a nightmare.
2. Here’s a very short video by the great folks at Sheikh and Bake Productions. I think they made it so short specifically so that Shas Party members would not have their attentions spans exceeded.