1. (By Mark Griffe Janine Witte Zacharia Sanger. Cairo, Feb. 6. Mantiq al-Tayr Press – MTP) In a breathtaking move to seize the initiative in Cairo, Egyptian President Mohamed Hosni Mubarak appeared on the podium in Tahrir Square today and addressed not only the Egyptian people but also the entire world. The crowd of over a quarter of a million onlookers looked up in stunned silence as Mubarak appeared on the podium, picked up the microphone and began his address. The address was as shocking and dramatic as it was unexpected.
“Oh people of Egypt” he began, “it’s time for you to go home and start leading normal lives again. If you don’t, I am going to turn the army loose on you. They’ve wanted to kill all you sons of bitches from the very first day of this ridiculous waste of time, but I have been the one who has stopped them. As of the curfew time’s beginning today, and that’s in about 2 hours from now, I have ordered them to squash you people like the fucking little wretched cockroaches you are.”
“Before I go on, I want to take a moment and tell that arrogant half-breed American President, Barak Obama, to shut the fuck up. In fact, I call on you, Obama, to step down immediately and begin a transition to a US government that isn’t run by a bunch of fucking pussies. Yes, I said it, pussies! You could either have sided openly with me, or if you had had the courage, you could have even called on me to step down in no uncertain terms. But no, you didn’t have the balls to openly side with me or with these soon to be dead miscreants who are standing here in Tahrir square. So get the hell out of office and put someone else in charge who has about as much regard for the US constitution as you or I do, how about Donald Rumsfeld? He and Umar are pretty good friends you know. Yeah, he’d be just the guy.”
Suddenly, Mubarak reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a yellow document and waved it in the air saying “And this President Obama, this is my mother fucking birth certificate! Where the hell is yours? I may be a corrupt blood-thirsty, Israeli-ass kissing, two-bit tyrant just like you, but at least I am a fucking Egyptian.”
Mubarak put the paper back inside his jacket pocket, paused for just a moment, and then said:
“One other thing before I close. After I get done kicking your asses from here to the Aswan dam, I going to shut up those damn Palestinians in Gaza once and for all. Oh, hey, Abu Mazen, listen to this. I have had it with you too. Once I’m done with Hamas, I coming after your ass. Fuck the PLO, fuck Palestine. Everyone knows that Arabs pretty much all hate the Palestinians anyway, we may as well just let everybody know so we can put an end to this bullshit peace process. My government hates the Palestinians, the Syrian government hates the Palestinians, the Jordanian government hates the Palestinians and God only knows that every single Lebanese citizen would gladly put all the Palestinians in a big fucking gas chamber and let Netanyahu pump in the gas and they’d all dance around it singing “Nah nah nah, hey hey, good-bye.”
“Okay, you’ve got two hours to get the hell out of here and go back to your worthless stupid peasant lives in this shit-hole called Cairo. If you don’t, well what do you think we have this huge bloated corrupt military for you idiots? It’s not to fight the Israelis, hell, even today they’d kick our asses all the way to Casa Blanca – besides if they wanted to, they’d just nuke the Aswan dam and then all of you sons of bitches would drown. No, the Army isn’t there to fight Israel, or anyone else for that matter. It’s there for times like this when you uppity over-educated useless eaters get out of control. I order General Tantawi, the head of the Egyptian armed forces, to kill anyone who is demonstrating anywhere in Egypt as of 3:00 pm today, Egypt time. You have about an hour and forty-five minutes folks. Go home and eat that shitty mulukhiyya stuff you claim you love so much. I’m going to the palace and downing a whole barrel of Kentucky Fried Chicken while I watch the Super Bowl. God, I hate the Steelers, but I digress.”
Mubarak then ended his address with the traditional:
“Peace be upon you and the mercy and blessings of God, you mother fuckers.”
The reaction was muted at the White House. Presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs said that Obama was pleased that Mubarak had been able to resolve the crisis and hoped that the Egyptian people would then move forward with their lives. Gibbs said Obama was busy watching the Super Bowl and would probably phone Mubarak during half-time of the game.
2. I kind of find this interesting:
(JTA) — Cuban prosecutors will seek a 20-year prison sentence for accused spy Alan Gross, a U.S. government contractor that the State Department says was assisting Cuban Jews.
Gross is accused of “Acts Against the Independence and Territorial Integrity of the State,” Reuters reported, citing a Feb. 4 report by Cuban state media via a government-run website. . .
Cuban authorities detained Gross on Dec. 3, 2009 on his way out of the country, saying he was a spy.
Gross’ family and State Department officials say he was in the country on a U.S. Agency for International Development contract to help the country’s Jewish community of about 1,500 to communicate with other Jewish communities through the Internet.
The main Jewish groups in Cuba have denied any contact with or knowledge of Gross or the program.
3. I have an idea. Why don’t we trade Jonathan Pollard for Yigal Amir?
4. Elliot Abrams has announced he will not run for Egyptian President next year.
5. “Eliyalu Eliezer Werdesheim, 23, a Shomrim volunteer and former Israeli special forces soldier, and his brother Avi Werdesheim, 20, who does not work with Shomrim, have been charged with false imprisonment, second-degree assault and possession of a deadly weapon. Both are scheduled to be arraigned in Baltimore City Circuit Court on Feb. 16.”
If a Sunni Muslim group engaged in this kind of thing, they’d ALL be in jail.