(Update: It does indeed look like Haifa had to do some serious editing.)
1. Saturday. It was a lovely fall evening in DC, around mid October. Mantiq and frequent Mantiq al-Tayr guest editor Haifa Wehbe both had something to celebrate that evening so the two sallied forth for an evening at a fancy DC establishment with a few friends who sometimes rely on their advice about things Middle Eastern – but more often than not, don’t.
Btw, Mantiq and all of the tuyuur here at Mantiq al-Tayr are thrilled that Lebanon somehow isn’t on Trump’s stupid fucking banned list. We had previously advised Trump that if he really wanted to use the list to protect the US he should at least add Israel to it. Somehow that suggestion got rejected. But we digress.
No sooner was the group seated than they all ordered suitable refreshments. Casual observers would be forgiven if they thought that this group kept consuming these as if they had all just come out of a one hour steam bath. After a few drinks and a fair amount of food, none of which was Israeli hummus, the conversation turned serious.
Trump: Those assholes at CIA have been trying to deep six my presidency since before the election. I want to get back at them and really fuck them up. I have fucking had it. (He then grabs Conway, but just for a second.)
Bannon: Why don’t you have them release the J (interrupted by Pompeo)
Pompeo: I have it under control. No worries.
Mattis: Let McMaster and me work on it, we have some ideas.
McMaster: I agree. I’m thinking we should cut their operations budget like 10% as a warning. If they get out of line, we’ll arrange for some accidents in the field.
Trump: I like that.
Mantiq: I do too.
Haifa: How about 20%?
Bannon: Order the release of the JF (interrupted by Miller)
Miller: Why not leak the torture report in full to our friends at the Jerusalem Washington New York Times Post?
Trump: No. Torture is not the problem and Americans don’t care about torture, thanks in large part to our friends at the Jerusalem Washington New York Times Post.
Haifa: He has a point there.
Mattis: We could make it look like the CIA was behind the Las Vegas shootings.
Pompeo: Shit, then why the hell did we make Campos go underground and tell the Nishamura asshole that if he spoke again we’d kill him? Of course even a Shas party member could guess we did it, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.
(Haifa’s reaction was to have the most expressive WTF face Mantiq had ever seen.)
Conway: We should release the CIA papers on the Bowling Green massacre.
(Haifa’s reaction was to have the most expressive WTF face Mantiq had ever seen, again.)
Mattis: (Talking to himself: Just kill me now.)
Bannon: Jesus Fucking Christ, just order the release of the Ken (interrupted by McMaster)
McMaster: Let’s have the NSA release their conversations about what their deep state fucks were doing at Comet on Connecticut Ave.
Trump: Now you are talking.
Bannon: That’s bullshit and besides they normally eat at Bucks anyway. Just fucking release the assassin (interrupted by Conway).
Conway: Why don’t we make it look like the CIA is behind Iran’s nuclear weapons program?
Haifa: But Iran does not have a nuclear weapons program you stupid bitch.
Mattis: Has anyone here ever read “A Mosque in Munich?”
(Mantiq and Haifa smile nervously at each other.)
Miller: It’s too subtle and really beside the point. Look Mike, why don’t you take a job here in the White House and let’s put my buddy Dick Spence in charge at CIA? That should pretty much fuck them up completely. We’ve got so much dirt from Comet on those a-holes on the senate Intel committee that I think we can get senate approval.
Trump: He was my first choice anyway.
Bannon: Everybody SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!!! Release the Kennedy papers, the Kennedy papers, they fucking killed Kennedy. What the fuck is the matter with you people?
Pompeo: Steve, you ignorant slut. The papers prove that Israel did it.
(Note to Shas Party members, that’s one reason Haifa and Mantiq had suggested Trump add Israel to the ban, but we digress.)
Trump: Oh, shit. Never mind.
Bannon: Haifa is a good editor. . .
Haifa and Mantiq quickly got the check and paid the bill for the whole party. Trump ordered a limo through Uber and once they were all inside the two bid them farewell and walked off into the cool night autumn air in the direction of a good DC shisha bar.
When they arrived their good buddy (and also an occasional Mantiq al-Tayr guest editor) Hasan was there. Nothing like great shisha, great friends and discussing the true meanings of iman and hubb.
(The tuyuur here at Mantiq al-Tayr who composed the piece wish to thank occasional guest editor Mulaykah Al-Alamaniyya for coming up with the title they used.)
2. Okay, it’s video time. Haifa makes us forget (for a while) how utterly fucked up everything is. Thank you.