Monthly Archives: April 2011

This Would Never Happen In My High School

1. The following question and answer session between a high school current events teacher and his students did not happen at your child’s high school.

Cast of characters:

Teacher:  Marcus Abdul-Piper (Known to his students as MAP).

Students: Susie, Annie, Khalid, Barbie, Sheikh, Billie-Joe, Muhammad, Chrissie, Mayaada, Biff, Frank, Jihad, Pam, Spencer, Ayman, Adam, Phil, Hesham, Bobbie, Dolly, Shiva, Yasir, Shoebat,  Webster, Ovadia Yosef, Frosty, Bettie-Jo and last but not least Ahmad Taqi al-Din Abu al-‘Abbas bin Abd al-Halim bin Abd al-Salaam bin Abdallah bin Abi al-Qasim al-Khidr bin Muhammad bin al-Khidr bin ‘Ali bin Abdallah bin Taymiyyah al-Harrani (the students just call him “Taqi” but he does not like that name. The teacher  always calls him Shaykh al-Islam, so we’ll use that here.)

MAP comes into class carrying his brief case which he slams on his desk to wake up the students who suddenly look up in unison at MAP. Spencer takes his hand off Pam’s thigh.

MAP “Okay, goys and girls, we are going to wrap up today our discussion of the events in Libya. The principle wants us to stop talking about Libya, Tunisia, Egypt, Bahrain, the Saudi invasion of Bahrain and Yemen so we can get onto our next and longest module, “Celebrating Israeli Independence Day” which will run from the start of next week to through the end of this school year and will resume again when school starts in September which is right after Yom Kippur is over. It will then run through our winter holiday and will end in February which is when our next module will begin  “The Joys of Purim”.

MAP pauses for a moment, takes of his nerdy glasses and looks at the floor. His whole life flashes through his mind in a split second as he wonders how he ended up teaching at Bum Fuck Idaho’s only high school. What had he done wrong? Was it his decision to drop his major in high-tech engineering at MIT and get a history degree instead from Harvard? . . . Anyway, he quickly looked up and got right back into it. This was a very special subject for  him and he really wanted to get one or two main things across to this class, his honors current events class which only Bum Fuck High School seniors with a GPA higher than 2.1 could take.

“Okay, which country has been leading the drive for NATO to get involved on the side of the rebels in Libya?” he asked.

Susie raises her hand and he calls on her.

“I think it was Germany. They want to kill all the Jews in Libya, at least that is what Pam told me” Susie blushed a bit having never uttered a sentence this long before in class.

“Good guess, Susie, but not quite. Anybody else have an idea?”

Shaykh al-Islam (SAI) raises his hand. MAP didn’t want to call on him because he always got everything right and no one else could ever get in a word edge wise with him. So MAP said “Okay, Shaykh of Islam, get us started, but don’t give too many details.”

“The primary instigators of this new crusade against the people of North Africa is the nation of France which is doing so for specific political, economic and ideological reasons. Furthermore”

MAP cuts him off and starts to ask another question.

Spencer puts his hand back on Pam’s thigh.

“Spencer, get your hands back where they belong you creepy perverted vile bastard.” MAP had a way with words that everyone  appreciated. Spencer complied immediately.  Pam was pissed.

“Okay, kids who are the two Frenchmen who are behind this murderous imperialistic adventure?”

Khalid, Sheikh and Muhammad all raise their hands at the same time. They did this a lot, MAP always wondered why. “Okay Khalid (which MAP pronounces as Kaleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed), tell us one of their names.”

“Well of course the politician leading this blood thirsty crusade is French President Nicolas Paul Stéphane Sarközy de Nagy-Bocsa.”

“Excellent, Kaleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, as usual.  Okay, Sheikh (not to be confused with Shaykh al-Islam), who else?”

Sheikh says “Joe Lieberman.”

“Sheikh, close but no Israeli-supplied ecstasy for you on that one. I said Frenchmen, not Israelis. Anybody else?”

Pam pulls the back of Mayaada’s hijab, Mayaada turns around and slaps her in the face so hard it knocks her off the chair. MAP, a brilliant classroom tactician, then asks Mayaada to answer the question.

She replies “Well, the second person would be pseudo scholar and neocon imperialist Bernard-Henri Levy, though I can never figure out where the hell to put the hyphen in that clown’s name.”

“Excellent,” replied MAP. He really liked Mayaada, she was a good writer and ran a really cool website.

“Now kids, tell me what those two people have in common.”

Pam, back in her seat and sticking needles in some sort of voodoo doll, shouted out “They are both saving the western world from the Muslamic invasion. If we were smart we’d do the same thing to Iran right now.”

Spencer used this great  answer as an excuse to pat her on the shoulder.  MAP looked at her and said “Pam, you ignorant slut. Only Americans and Shas party members could ever actually believe that bullshit.”

Hesham and Phil nodded at one another, they both really liked MAP. They thought he should do his own radio and tv shows, but they knew that would never happen.

Spencer then chimed in “If not for Ber-nar-d-Hen-ri LEVY and Sarkozy the Mooselims would be right here in Bum Fuck Idaho abusing our women and eating our children.”

“We are already here, and I’m hungry as hell, Spencer” Jihad chimed in, with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.  He loved making fun of Spencer and regularly took his lunch money from him and beat him up during recess – and in Bum Fuck High School recess was a bit different than other places. More on that in a later chapter.

“My father used to be a PLO Muslamic terrorist and he came to America and ate lots of Christian and Jewish children” said Shoebat.

“Then how come he is on the lecture circuit training US government officials if he is a murderer and a terrorist and isn’t in jail?” asked Hesham. MAP smirked – Hesham always asked difficult questions.

“Okay, Hesham (MAP pronounces his name as Hshm) that’s enough. We know that Shoebat’s daddy is reformed and even if he did kill lots of innocent people, frankly these days who hasn’t? Do you think we should put Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz, George Bush, both of them, Dick Cheney and others in jail too? I mean we’d have to build new private prisons all over the country. ‘


“Hshm, you’re right, as usual.”

MAP had to keep the kids on topic. “Okay, now what do these two guys have in common. I want you to figure this out before the bell rings and you guys grab your shotguns and go outside for recess.”

Billie-Bob “They both have penises”.  The whole class bursts into laughter.

“How would you know?” asked Billie-Jo.

“They are both white” said Frank, as he sipped his fifth.

“Correct, but not quite what I’m looking for.”

“They are both rich as hell” noted Phil, adding “and I bet they know the truth about the USS Liberty too, the fucking bastards.”

“Phil, watch your language. Please don’t say “hell”. It reminds me too much of here.” MAP was getting really depressed. “Still you are right on. But there’s something else I’m looking for here. What else do these two guys have in common.?”

The class looked at him with expressions similar to that of a dog that had just been shown a card trick. All of them but one, but MAP didn’t want him to hog the whole show.

“Okay, I’ll give you a hint” said MAP, they have something in common with Tzipi Livni.”

Susie – “She has a penis?”

Jihad “She is a penis.”

MAP, “O God, please kill me now.”

“Okay, one last clue, all three of these people have something in common with Joe Liberman.”

“They are traitors to the United States?” asked Susie. “Hmm, maybe there is some hope here after all”  thought MAP.

“You should go to jail for that, you dhimmitudinous bitch” yelled Pam.

“The one who is truly imprisoned is the one whose heart has been closed off to God.” Noted Shaykh al-Islam.  “He is truly a smart ass” thought MAP to himself “but I kind of like him.”

“Come on kids, what do all four of these people have in common?”

Only one person raised his hand. This pissed of MAP a bit because he knew that Webster knew the answer too but that he would never say it.  “No Shaykh al-Islam, I know you know the answer. And come to think of it, if you give it and I agree then maybe I’ll go to jail or lose my job and have to move to another state.”

Shaykh al-Islam nodded knowingly and said “Okay, I won’t give the answer. Besides it’s almost recess time and I’ve got to go get my shotgun too. But I do have a question for you if that’s okay.”

“Sure thing, shoot.”

“What can your enemies do to you? Paradise is in your heart.  Wherever you go it will be with you and will never forsake you. Look at imprisonment as a religious retreat. And if they kill you, you will be a martyr. And even if you have to leave, think of it as a chance to travel to a new place.”

The bell rang for recess before MAP could answer and Annie and the rest of the kids grabbed their guns and went out to play.

2. Oh the Summer time is coming and the trees are sweetly blooming

At least spring has begun and the summer is on the horizon. With all the horrors going on right now, there’s really not a hell of a lot to look forward to.  The famous song known as Wild Mountain Thyme and Go Lassie Go celebrates the coming of the new season but this year as the US is now involved in at least three different shooting wars and as it begins its permanent descent into the waste bin of history, at least we can try to enjoy the end of winter and the coming of spring, summer and fall.

As readers of this site well know, I am a big fan of Liam Clancy who was buried in Ireland in December 2009. A monumental loss for those who love music, ballads and peace.  Somehow, the video below, taken at his funeral (I think), captures my own current state of meloncholy as the sun rises higher in the sky and my country sinks ever more deeply into the abyss.

Two songs are sung in the video. The second one is the one I’ve referred to here Grab your handkerchief, chill out for a second, and give it a listen.