Emergency Alert: Yom Kippur Extended to Two Days!

1. The Holy Overseers and Lovers of Yerushalime Secret High Implementers of the Talmud Council has issued an emergency binding declaration to all Zionist Jews declaring that the Day of Atonement for 2009, set to begin at sunset Sunday, September 27, has been lengthened to two days this year. So it will now end on Tuesday night instead of Monday night.  This is a dire emergency and all lovers of the Talmud have been directed to get the word out immediately. John Stadtmiller at RBN will no doubt broadcast this information all day today and tomorrow on the Rabbinical Broadcasting Network, but just in case you all have quit listening to that network the tuyuur here at Mantiq al-Tayr really wanted to help get the word out.

The Seat of the Holy Overseers and Lovers of Yerushalime Secret High Implementers of the Talmud Council

Why this emergency declaration? Speaker of the  Council, Nancy Pelosi, Likud, California, told Stadtmiller on RBN that “With all the evil shit we’ve pulled this year, we knew that one day of asking for forgiveness wouldn’t be enough.”

Council Minority Whip Eric Cantor, Likud, Virginia, barely back from his trip to Israel and without even having had the time to wipe all the shit off of his nose, agreed saying “I think what tipped the scales this time was butchering all those women and children in Gaza.” Though Jane Traitor Harman, Likud, California, disagreed. “It’s all the money we’ve looted from the US taxpayers this past year plus the Bernie Madoff scandal. Yeah, we kicked ass this year. So we really need to say we are sorry.  Plus, it’ll give us another day off from work.”

Council members on their way to the historic meeting

Eliot Engel, a leader in the US Knesset as well as a member of the Council, chimed in saying “Jane, you ignorant slut. It was the organ selling fiasco that made me vote in favor the two-day resolution. Man, we were getting away with murder on that one but that inglorious basterd at Mantiq al-Tayr exposed us.” Engel added, if you don’t believe me, go here.“

US President, Benjamin Netanyahu, had his own interesting take. “Look, Mantiq, it really is about the settlements. We are going to take every fucking inch of the land and we will kill or drive out, preferably kill, every single Palestinian living in Ersatz Israel. We need the two days to atone for the future as well as the past.”

Council member and Rahm Emmanuel confidant, Steven Israel, Likud, New York, just laughed when he heard what President Netanyahu had said.  Oh, before quoting Council member Israel, I want to remind you that the highlight of this traitor’s life was being Michael Collins Piper’s roommate years ago. Piper has been in recovery every since. But I digress.

Israel said that the two days were needed because of the Charles Freeman fiasco that Israel himself (and itself) caused. “Yeah, we fucked Freeman alright. It was almost as much fun as giving away state secrets to Israelis who give us blow jobs. ” Harman agreed “Yeah, the whole espionage thing on behalf of Israel is huge. I sure got caught with my panties down” she said laughing and sipping Israeli wine while eating Sabra hummus. “But” she added “I am just one paid-for Israeli whore among many. I can’t even compete with some of the guys. Maybe next year – in Jerusalem.”

Steve Rosen, let off Jew-free for spying, agreed. “Man, I thought my ass was grass for a while. But I’m free at last and can get back to work. And as for Charles Freeman, fuck him. Ooops, I’m sorry. So sorry. Have to go atone” he said, laughing like Tom Cruise.

Ben Shalom Bernanke, a council member and who actually owns the United States, said “The truth is, and Rahm Emmanuel will confirm this, the dirtiest thing we did, aside from the disappearing trillions of dollars, was put a guy in the White House whose name rhymes with the most famous terrorist in the world and who is so blackmailable, if I can coin the phrase – pun intended on both counts – that he has to do everything we tell him. We even gave him a copy of Michael Collins Piper’s book “Final Judgment” and told him to read it (if he can). We think he got the point. And I got reappointed. Fuck you taxpayers.”

John Hagee, the third chief Rabbi of Israel, had one last thing to add. He said, man we dicked with the United States and the world so f’ing much this year that not only do we need two days to atone, we’ll even have to say the kol nidr twice – once at the start of each day.”

As he always does, Rahm Israel Emmanuel got in the last word “With what we’ve got planned for the coming year, next year we are gonna need three days.”