Emergency Alert: Yom Kippur Extended to Two Days!

1. The Holy Overseers and Lovers of Yerushalime Secret High Implementers of the Talmud Council has issued an emergency binding declaration to all Zionist Jews declaring that the Day of Atonement for 2009, set to begin at sunset Sunday, September 27, has been lengthened to two days this year. So it will now end on Tuesday night instead of Monday night.  This is a dire emergency and all lovers of the Talmud have been directed to get the word out immediately. John Stadtmiller at RBN will no doubt broadcast this information all day today and tomorrow on the Rabbinical Broadcasting Network, but just in case you all have quit listening to that network the tuyuur here at Mantiq al-Tayr really wanted to help get the word out.

The Seat of the Holy Overseers and Lovers of Yerushalime Secret High Implementers of the Talmud Council

Why this emergency declaration? Speaker of the  Council, Nancy Pelosi, Likud, California, told Stadtmiller on RBN that “With all the evil shit we’ve pulled this year, we knew that one day of asking for forgiveness wouldn’t be enough.”

Council Minority Whip Eric Cantor, Likud, Virginia, barely back from his trip to Israel and without even having had the time to wipe all the shit off of his nose, agreed saying “I think what tipped the scales this time was butchering all those women and children in Gaza.” Though Jane Traitor Harman, Likud, California, disagreed. “It’s all the money we’ve looted from the US taxpayers this past year plus the Bernie Madoff scandal. Yeah, we kicked ass this year. So we really need to say we are sorry.  Plus, it’ll give us another day off from work.”

Council members on their way to the historic meeting

Eliot Engel, a leader in the US Knesset as well as a member of the Council, chimed in saying “Jane, you ignorant slut. It was the organ selling fiasco that made me vote in favor the two-day resolution. Man, we were getting away with murder on that one but that inglorious basterd at Mantiq al-Tayr exposed us.” Engel added, if you don’t believe me, go here.“

US President, Benjamin Netanyahu, had his own interesting take. “Look, Mantiq, it really is about the settlements. We are going to take every fucking inch of the land and we will kill or drive out, preferably kill, every single Palestinian living in Ersatz Israel. We need the two days to atone for the future as well as the past.”

Council member and Rahm Emmanuel confidant, Steven Israel, Likud, New York, just laughed when he heard what President Netanyahu had said.  Oh, before quoting Council member Israel, I want to remind you that the highlight of this traitor’s life was being Michael Collins Piper’s roommate years ago. Piper has been in recovery every since. But I digress.

Israel said that the two days were needed because of the Charles Freeman fiasco that Israel himself (and itself) caused. “Yeah, we fucked Freeman alright. It was almost as much fun as giving away state secrets to Israelis who give us blow jobs. ” Harman agreed “Yeah, the whole espionage thing on behalf of Israel is huge. I sure got caught with my panties down” she said laughing and sipping Israeli wine while eating Sabra hummus. “But” she added “I am just one paid-for Israeli whore among many. I can’t even compete with some of the guys. Maybe next year – in Jerusalem.”

Steve Rosen, let off Jew-free for spying, agreed. “Man, I thought my ass was grass for a while. But I’m free at last and can get back to work. And as for Charles Freeman, fuck him. Ooops, I’m sorry. So sorry. Have to go atone” he said, laughing like Tom Cruise.

Ben Shalom Bernanke, a council member and who actually owns the United States, said “The truth is, and Rahm Emmanuel will confirm this, the dirtiest thing we did, aside from the disappearing trillions of dollars, was put a guy in the White House whose name rhymes with the most famous terrorist in the world and who is so blackmailable, if I can coin the phrase – pun intended on both counts – that he has to do everything we tell him. We even gave him a copy of Michael Collins Piper’s book “Final Judgment” and told him to read it (if he can). We think he got the point. And I got reappointed. Fuck you taxpayers.”

John Hagee, the third chief Rabbi of Israel, had one last thing to add. He said, man we dicked with the United States and the world so f’ing much this year that not only do we need two days to atone, we’ll even have to say the kol nidr twice – once at the start of each day.”

As he always does, Rahm Israel Emmanuel got in the last word “With what we’ve got planned for the coming year, next year we are gonna need three days.”

John Stadtmiller Has a Facelift

And here’s the result:

Hope Stadtmiller can sue his doctor

1. To learn more about Stadtmiller’s procedure, tune in to RBN, and do so for the very last time in your life, on September 26th at 8:00 Pacific time, 9:00 Mountain time, 10:00 Central time and 11:00 Eastern time, and listen to Phil Tourney and Mark Glenn on the Liberty Hour.  It will be the last airing of the Liberty Hour on RBN (The Rabbinical Broadcasting Network) as a result of a decision by the network’s ownder, John Stadtmiller, to cancel the program and replace Phil and Mark with a football player.

We here at Mantiq al-Tayr will no longer be listening to RBN once the show is canceled (Sep. 26 is supposed to be the last day) and will work diligently to promote the cause of the USS Liberty and to support Phil and Mark should they manage to get back on the air via another network.

Please let John Stadtmiller know your feelings about this decision. Reach out and touch him at:

Rabbinical Broadcasting Network
2251 Double Creek Drive # 302
Round Rock, Texas 78664

800-313-9443 On-Air Call-in Number
800-724-2719 Main Office
512-246-9549 Main Office
512-246-9519 (fax)

Johnny, we hardly knew ye.

The Mooselims are Coming, the Mooselims are Coming!

1. These United States are engaged in illegal wars in two Muslim lands at the behest of Israel, completely support Israel in its continued genocide against the Palestinian people, and my well be getting set up for yet another war against yet another Muslim people who have done nothing to us. And we here at Mantiq al-Tayr are here to announce to you know that the punishment of the almighty Zeus is about to come down hard upon these United States for these crimes.  The news of that punishment is coming from the Cassandra of the Constitution, the Nostradumass of New World, the wicked bitch of the West, the one, the only, the founder of Atlas Shrugs, the great protector of all things Zionist, Pamela Geller. Here she is and boy does she have a message for you.

This is why Atlas has become a homosexual

That message is that Islam is taking over these United States and soon you will all be forced to follow the Shari’ah.

Actually, that would be pretty f’ing funny if you asked me, after all we have done to the Muslims the past 60 years or so, but I digress.

Anyway, here’s what you can do to prevent your teenage daughters from not getting pregnant and from learning how to dress in any fashion other than that of crack whores in Washington, D.C.

Goys and girls, you must join  “Stop Islamization of America” (SIOA) and you can go to their rally that they are having on September 25, in our nation’s capital. Wait, before you buy a plane ticket to attend this event in Jerusalem, please remember that our official capital is still Washington, D.C. which is where SIOA is holding its rally to save you from having to learn Arabic. (Congress each year tries to pass a resolution to move the capital of these United States to Jerusalem, but Usama bin Laden’s influence peddling in the US Congress has prevented the resolution from gaining a majority. Those damn Moooselims.)

Anyway, SIOA has arisen and warns you “about the threat that Islamic doctrine and those who support it present to our freedoms, and the future of our democracy and country.” For soon the Mooooselims will take over all of these United States completely without firing a shot. (They being right smart Moooooselims after all).  SIOA just loves the film called “The Third Jihad”  which “warns that radical Islam is working on a non-violent, cultural takeover of the United States.”

Yes indeed, right before you eyes, cute little Johnny:

Johnny Before Shari'ah (BS)

Will be turned into thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssss!: (Warning: scroll down slowly.)

Johnny After Shari'ah (AS) coming home from a hard day at the Jihad

2. Yes, indeed those Mooooooselims are just getting control over everything. My favorite Moooooooselim is this one:

Ben Shalom Bernanke - Chief Radical Moooooselim of the Obama Administration

I wonder how many of these 12 Federal Reserve Presidents are Mooooooooselims? I bet a bunch of them are even Islamofacsists.  Oh, wait, here’s the answer. This article roots out all the radical Mooooooooooselim influence that permeates the Obama administration.  Holy f’ing cow!

Oh My Allah! Even the cows will be Mooooselims!

Anyway, let’s get back to SIOA, the 25th of September and the lovely Pam Geller.

So, the SIOA announced it is having this big rally on the 25th of September in Washington D.C. which just happens to be the same day that a Muslim group is having a special day of prayer there. This way they help ruin the Muslims’ day and act like the absolute bigoted Israel-worshipping traitors that they are.

The SIOA website calls for ‘every protest of this takiya-jihad-dawa event… [to] include some component of donkey, dog, and women.’

Pretty classy, eh? Could you imagine if on say Roshwhoreshanna  a group of insane Muslims were to have a protest and encourage people to bring pigs into Jewish prayer services just what the outcry would be. But I digress.

The original speakers at the event were to be Pam Geller, Robert (Fuck Islam) Spencer, Nonie Darwish and Christine Brim. Yes, Pam Geller was going to be right there. But I just had to cancel my plane ticket because, for reasons that remain as vague as what the hell happened to those trillions of dollars Obama gave to Shari’ah-controlled Wall Street, the original speakers don’t seem to be able to make it.

However, SIOA is going to make this up to you by having Rebecca Bynum speak. She’s  formerly of Jihad Watch – Daniel Pipes’ own personal hate organization. Now she runs the very deceptively titled “New English Review” which has lots of pure unadulterated Zionist bullshit. Rebecca, showing just the kind of person you would have to be to work for Jihad Watch, has this to say about bringing donkeys and dogs to disrupt a Muslim prayer service. Red highlights are  mine.

“Because the Arutz Sheva article picked up on some of SIOA’s creative brainstorming posts to use humor and a bit of theatrics involving the things that are thought to disrupt prayer for Muslims – dogs, donkeys and women – some are already calling this loving group of people “extreme.” “

ya think?

3. Now before you all go crawling underneath your beds cowering from the prospect that B.S. Bernanke is leading the charge to make you all become Moooooooooooselims against your will, there actually might be some good things about having Shari’ah become the law of the land.

1. It will put all the Jewish lawyers out of business.

2. It will bring an end to the Federal Reserve System since loaning money at interest was banned by Muhammad  who was himself a very good and honest businessman.

3. Prayer will be brought back into the schools.

4. Most of the time Ramadan will take place during the school year. That means for one entire month kids in high school and lots of middle school kids won’t be eating shitty junk food all day. Also, Republicans should love it because it means that the government won’t have to provide meals to poor children for a whole month.

5. We won’t have to fight wars for Israel anymore.

6. AIPAC would have to register as an operational intelligence service for a foreign government. They would then all be arrested and executed for treason.

7. The rest of the world won’t hate our guts because of all the wars we are fighting for Israel.

8. The hummus in the grocery stores will probably be made by Arabs instead of by Israelis masquerading as Arabs. (al-Jazeera Arabic had a nice documentary that I saw yesterday which has a short section during which a Palestinian woman talks about Israeli efforts to pretend that beautiful hand-made Palestinian dresses are actually Israeli. She notes that they come and steal Palestinian land and even their food and their clothing.)

9. The chances of a woman being elected president will greatly increase. We might rise up to the level of the peoples of Bangladesh, Pakistan, Turkey and Indonesia – all Muslim countries and all of which have at some point elected – yes elected – a woman a head of state. Bangladesh did it twice. (Hey Hillary, you can be a carpet bagger in Bangladesh just like you were New York. Convert to Islam and move there and maybe you’ll become a head of state after all. )

10. Perhaps, best of all, the Kosher Nostra will come to an end. By this I mean that those kosher symbols that companies have to pay for (and hence you have to pay for) that are on damn near anything in your grocery store (I wonder if there is one on US currency too?), will be replaced by the Sacred Islamic Halal Marker (The SIHM) Actually, the SIHM comes in two forms. One is less expensive than the other, so if you are just starting out with your hummus company you can buy the cheaper one. Imagine this being on all your food instead of those stupid looking K’s and U’s that are there now:

The Sacred Islamic Halal Marker Coming to a Grocery Store Near You

There’s a more expensive halal marker too. It is for those people, good Mooooooooooooselims all, who want to piss off Christian Zionists such as the creepy Martin Mawyer who is also speaking at SIOA’s hate rally on the 25th of September. It costs more, but you get what you pay for.

The Sacred Islamic Halal Marker for Zionist Christians (SIHMZC)

Yup. You’ll all be as happy as a pig in a poke.

Shlomo the pig. He'll be at the SIOA hate rally too.

“Our children are coming back in body bags”

1. The September edition of “Our Country” is available here.  It talks about the Gaza Zoo and and gets some help from  the fine work of the Israeli-intelligence-affiliated outfit known as MEMRI.

2. “Our children are coming back in body bags. Our nation is bankrupt over these wars. And if you open your mouth, you get targeted. And if they don’t beat you at the poll, they’ll put you in prison.”

Go here for the full transcript before Fox $ews takes it down.

They are Killing Little Baby Chickens

Inglorious Basturd (Just say "no" to Israeli chicken)

1.  Two towns in Rockland County, New York apply for economic development grants under a special New York State development program. One town’s grant has already been approved by the town’s council and is supported by the people who live  in  the town. In addition, Rockland County said it approves the project and even the State of New York has approved it.

The other town’s grant application has no approval on the local, county or state levels and is opposed not only by the residents of two adjacent towns, it isn’t even approved yet by the town itself.

Here is the wiki page for the first town. Give it a quick read.

Here is the wiki page for the second town. Give it a an even quicker read.

Which town do you think got the grant? You get one guess, unless  you are in the Shas party – Shas party members get three guesses. Here’s a little more about the story of The Chicken Plant of New Square. (Sounds like a nice title for a horror movie, doesn’t it? And wait till you see who some of the actors are. Steven King would be thrilled and he’d just have them play themselves in the movie.)

“I must question how our grant application was denied, when a grant proposal that does not have a single approval and is opposed by the county in which it resides and is controversial, is approved,” he wrote, while asking for an investigation.”

Those words are from Haverstraw Supervisor Howard Phillips. Haverstraw is a small New York town that applied for an economic development grant from the state of New York. The grant program is called Restore New York. The guidelines call for municipally sponsored projects to demolish or rehabilitate vacant, abandoned or condemned properties. The projects must also be architecturally consistent with nearby and adjacent properties.

Haverstraw’s application was to take such a property and build quality housing for citizens over 55 years of age. The proposal is strongly supported by local residents, especially skilled craftsman, who would be doing the building. The proposal was also approved by the town itself, by Rockland County where it is located and by the State of  New York.  Also, Haverstraw is going through very tough economic times, as Phillips make very clear in the article. Phillips has written to NY attorney general Andrew Cuomo complaining about the Restore program’s turning down his town’s application.

New Square’s application on the other hand was awared a 1.6 million dollar grant for the construction of a chicken plant five times the size of the old one. Since it would be sitting right next to two other Rockland County towns who strongly opposed having a smelly chicken plant next door, the mayor of New Square, Israel Spitzer, got support from other Islamofascists such as Senator Charles Shumer, (Likud, NY), Senator Eliot Engel (Likud, NY) and Assemblywoman Ellen Jaffee (Likud, New Square), plus a moron known  as State Senator Thomas P. Morahan (Moron, NY) also supported the chicken plant.  And presto, New Square now has funding for a chicken plant that nobody wants.

2. Now we here at Mantiq al-Tayr have nothing against chickens, or even eating chickens, but we do notice a trend toward the Israelization of the chicken industry. Note here the attack on this probably not Zionist-controlled chicken plant owned by Hy-Line a US founded company. Cruelty to animals is a terrible thing and is condemned by all of us at Mantiq al-Tayr. But it sure is interesting that just as Nathan Runkle’s Mercy for Animals organization is criticizing Hy-Line, the United States is working with Israel to increase Israeli poultry exports to the United States.  The bankruptcy of Agriprocessors - owned by Islamofascists, might even have helped pave the way for more Israeli imports. Sure would be convenient if Hy-Line lost market share at the same time. A search on Nathan Runkle and Agriprocessors on Google and Ixquick was interesting.

Then there is also Empire Kosher.

3. We have a great confession to make here at Mantiq al-Tayr.  Yes, the rumors you’ve been hearing are true. “Say it ain’t so, Mantiq” just won’t work. Yes, Mantiq and all the tuyuur here at Mantiq al-Tayr are, yes indeed we are ——– hummus sexuals.  We love hummus.

There is a great Arabic expression طلعت من الحفلة من غير حمص which means literally “I left the party without any hummus” which basically means that “I got nothing out of it.” Well, we need to change that expression to طلعت من البقالة من غير حمص “I left the grocery store without any hummus” because the hummus industry is about as zionized as the poultry industry is.

The biggest hummus section is by the company known as Sabra which is the Hebrew word for a Jew born in Israel.  (No it is not short for Sabra and Shatila, though maybe it ought to be.) Sabra was founded in 1986 by Yehuda Pearl, an Islamofascist. Later he sold the company to Strauss Elite (which now owns the company in partnership with Pepsi) and which claims to be the second largest food and beverage company in Israel.  You’ll find the kosher symbols prominently displayed on the product. To learn about kosher symbols, you can go here. You can also go here.

Then there is the Tribe variety. You know, Arabs have Tribes and stuff, so what a great name. (It used to be called Tribe of Two Sheikhs.)

Let me digress for a  minute.

Whenever I see food that is Arabic marked as Mediterranean, or Arabic-food restaurants calling themselves Mediterranean, I figure one of two things -  the stuff or the store is Arabic owned but they don’t want to say so because Arabs own hollywood, the banks, the media, the poultry industry and have Congress not just in their back pocked but right up their ass, or because the stuff is Israeli and they want to conceal that fact for the very same reasons. (and yes, I know that people in Greece and other non-Arabic lands make hummus.)

Back to the Tribe. Well, no, the Tribe is actually a different tribe as is pretty clear from their website and their food is, of course, kosher.

The last company with hummus on the shelf is Cedars, which as far as we can tell is owned by an an American of possible Arab ancestry and by another American of probably Greek ancestry. Yes it’s kosher, most things in your local grocery store bear at least one kosher certification, but at least it doesn’t seem related to Israel.

Nonetheless, I guess it’s back to just making hummus at home. It tastes better anyway. Please support the Israeli boycott by posting recipies in the comements section.  Also, click on the picture below for a great hummus recipe from a blog I’ve just discovered.

Are you a hummus sexual?

Some Arabic Humor

1. Okay folks, there’s a whole lot of awful stuff going on in the world today as readers of Mantiq al-Tayr are well aware. Therefore we have decided you need some jokes, puns really, about Islamic jurisprudence to brighten your day.

So here goes. They answers are below in the first comment to this post.

Preamble: The word for “jurisprudence” in Islam is “Fiqh.” One who engages in Fiqh is called a Faqih. The plural of Faqih in Arabic is Fuqaha’.

Ready?

1. What is the name of the most famous university that teaches Islamic jurisprudence?

2. What is a bad Islamic lawyer called?

3. When an Islamic lawyer makes a mistake, what is that called?

4. When an Islamic lawyer is pissed off at you, what does he tell you to do?

5. If you have a bunch of fuqaha’ who like to tell jokes, what are they called?